I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
