I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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