i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
