The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
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A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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