She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
