I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
sex in a hospital.. check
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
