I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
