Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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