I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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