the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
