I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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