Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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