If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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