In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
