I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
