Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
