He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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