Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
