I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
