I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
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She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
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He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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