she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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