i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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