The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
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Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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