Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
