the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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