I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize