it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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