I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drunk is a universal language darling
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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