I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
