The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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