My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
