I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign