"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?