Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
