she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
