Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
