I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
