we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
