so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
