you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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