i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
