So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
