Sponge bath it is.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
