you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
