Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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