we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
