Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
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Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
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my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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