You made me cry and you don't even care
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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