he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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