im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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