When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
