apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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