He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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