I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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