i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
